NIGERIA: Nation of leaders, not followers

BBC’s Martin Patience is leaving Nigeria after 2 years. I listened to a recap of his lessons learned in a version of the ‘From Our Own Correspondent’ yesterday. Below is a transcribed excerpt of his version.
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”Nigeria is truly the maddest place I have ever had the pleasure of living in. It’s a country that constantly feels on the brink but never quite goes over the edge.

“It feels like you are living in a giant soap opera with all the joy and tragedy that goes with it. It is a nation blessed or burdened with extraordinary cast of characters.

“It can make you want to cry with laughter or with tears. ‘’where else?’’ said a friend.

“That you have to bribe the attendant in a lift just to be allowed out of it; or you will be hassled in a church for a donation or where you will go to a lost but found office only to be told that nothing has been handed in this entire year. What you may not have heard about is the sheer exuberance of this country.

“They should hand out ear plugs in Nigerian weddings because the noise is so intense! Millions truly believe that tomorrow could be the day they make it big. The language here is unbelievably colorful.

“A top official once described a former president as an honest fool, who held the horn while the others milk the cow.

“I have never ever lived anywhere like Nigeria! It’s exhausting and exhilarating but never is there a dull a day.

“I was recently sitting in a plane and we were taxiing out to the runway; a pilot piped up in an intercom, ‘’a passenger’’ he said, ‘’was rude to an air hostess’’. ‘’I ask you the passengers’’, he said, ‘’to intervene, because unless he apologizes, we will have to go back to the terminal and unload him’’.

“A queue of about a dozen people surrounding the man, shouting at him to apologize. He refused, so the pilot did indeed turn the plane back towards the boarding gate. And then finally, the man, realizing his number was up, said sorry.

“The pilot was back on the intercom, ‘’I will like to thank you all for intervening’’ he said with obvious delight, ‘’ we are now off to Lagos’’.

“For all the drama and frustrations, one friend summed up Nigerians’ best, ‘’they have remarkable patience’’ he argued. ‘’but for the wrong things.

“They put up with lack of clean water, poor access to health care, rotten schools and crumbling infrastructure.’’ Many Nigerians are fiercely independent. This is a nation of leaders and not followers.”

#copied

Hook, line & Sinker…

A young, well qualified Nigerian Officer left the job in Lagos and emigrated to Canada for better prospects and applied for a salesman’s job at Vancouver’s premier downtown department store. It was the biggest store in the world: you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes sir, I was a salesman in Nigeria
The boss liked him and said, “You can start tomorrow. Learn fast and do well.”

The first working day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it.

Finally 6 pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”

“Sir, I made ONE sale!” said the young salesman rather happily.

“Only one sale?!” shot back the boss. “No! No! You see, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.

If you want to keep this job, you’d better be doing better than just one sale.

By the way, how much was your sale worth?”

“$933,005.00”, said the man.

“What?! How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.

Then I sold him a good fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

So I told him he’d be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that 20-foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then he said his Volkswagen wouldn’t be able to carry it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.

I then asked him where he’ll be staying and since he had not decided, I took him to camping department and sold him a six-sleeper camper tent.

Then he said I should throw in about $200 worth of groceries and two cases of juice.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!”

“No, sir,” answered the young man, “he came in to buy sanitary napkins for his wife and I convinced him that since he will be bored with his wife being in periods fishing is the best remedy for boredom.”

Boss: “Where did you work?!”

“Hustled in Maryland Junction Traffic in Lagos sir.”
🤣

CELESTIAL ASS

Copied from facebook

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass
and just cover your own !!!
You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a great week guys & dolls ♥️

Beating Your Children

If you ever wondered why Africans beat their children, then read up on this repost.

Copied….

Children nowadays don’t even know that in our days you could be beaten for any of the following reasons:

1. Crying after being beaten.
2. Not crying after being beaten.
3. Crying without being beaten.
4. Standing while the elders are seated.
5. Sitting while the elders are standing.
6. Walking around aimlessly where the elders are seated.
7. Replying back to an elder.
8. Not replying back to an elder.
9. Spending too much time without being beaten.
10. Singing after being admonished.
11. Not greeting visitors.
12. Eating food prepared for the visitors.
13. Crying to go with the visitors when the visitors are leaving.
14. Refusing to eat.
15. Coming back home after sunset.
16. Eating at the neighbour’s home.
17. Generally being moody.
18. Generally being too excited.
19. Fighting with your age mate and losing.
20. Fighting with your age mate and winning.
21. Eating too slowly.
22. Eating too quickly.
23. Eating too much.
24. Not finishing your food.
25. Scraping your plate
26. Eating and talking
27. Talking and chewing
28. Sleeping while the elders had already woken up.
29. Looking at the visitors while they are eating.
30. Stumbling and falling when walking.

31. Looking at an elder eye ball to eye ball.
32. When an elder is talking to you and you blink your eye.
33. When an elder is talking to you and you stared without blinking.
34. When you look at an elder with a corner eye.
When an elder points at you.
35. When your mates were playing Street football and you joined them to play.
36. When your mates were playing and you were not playing with them.
37. When you don’t wash your dish
38. When you don’t wash your dish properly
39. When you break your dish
40. When you bite your nails.

41. When you fail your exams. That was a serious crime.
42. When you get canned in school or any kind of offense committed in school. That fetched you more canning at home.
43. When you go to the local stream to frolic.
44. When you steal fruits from trees. This always attracted canning. But it was always worth the troubles for most kids. Can believe now kids have to be tricked & coaxed into eating fruit when we actually risked death by arrows, catapulted stones, flying cutlasses & being eaten by wild domesticated dogs, just to eat fruits.😀😀😀

Some of these reasons for beating a child may seem farfetched to children now, but they sure did give us some solid values, Some not effective but we learnt to be better parents now. 😀

Another Noah’s Ark

This days it rains everyday, all day & night long too. So it got many of us thinking maybe somewhere nearby, another Noah is quite diligently following God’s instructions to build yet another Ark.

Just maybe we didn’t make the cut and weren’t invited, so we know nothing about it.

With all the craziness going on around us these days, it was obvious the almighty must be about ready to do another whole scale mopping up.

So we all became quite vigilant, checking our area & beyond, for further hints of this being the case.

Please if any of you see animals walking in pairs,

🐐🐐

🐓🐓

🐎🐎

Don’t just think its nothing.

Follow them closely, they might be heading for the ARK.

And please let us know too…

Please if any of you see animals walking in pairs,

🐐🐐

🐓🐓

🐎🐎

Don’t just think its nothing. Follow them closely, they might be heading for the ARK.

And please let us know too…

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Then two of my wives’ domesticated Pigeons disappeared yesterday, one male & one female.

Just this morning, we heard our neighbor’s pair of Goats vanished too…

Yep… you guessed it, they’re a male & a female pair too.

Should we be worried?

ASABA

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Her entire short life is dirge like,
In her daily rounds so silly alike.
Abnormally brained, genes had made;
A persistent dirty joke, harmlessly made.

Asaba is the neighbourhood’s fool,
Nurturing our moods into a little fool.
The gloom that is her poor mind
Caresses our passions, so we mind.

In a puddle she plays herself by.
Scaring kids as she staggers by.
Gracious mums use this apt fear.
Life cannot be all good and fair.

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Collection of over 250 poems
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